Breaking the Silence: My Story On Living Through Post-partum Depression

This post is an emotionally charged post and hard to write. But I feel I need to tell my story if not for myself but for someone else who may be suffering from Post-Partum Depression and feel like they are alone or can’t talk about it. First thing first, you are NOT alone. Approximately 600,000 women suffer from post-partum depression each year, but that number can be much higher because many women do not report their symptoms or do not realize what they are feeling is post-partum depression.

“Postpartum depression seems to be brought on by the changes in hormone levels that occur after pregnancy. Any woman can get postpartum depression in the months after childbirth, miscarriage, or stillbirth.

You have a greater chance of getting postpartum depression if:

You've had depression or postpartum depression before.

You have poor support from your partner, friends, or family.

You have a sick or colicky baby.

You have a lot of other stress in your life.

A woman who has postpartum depression may:

Feel very sad, hopeless, and empty. Some women also may feel anxious.

Lose pleasure in everyday things.

Not feel hungry and may lose weight. (But some women feel hungrier and gain weight).

Have trouble sleeping.

Not be able to concentrate.

These symptoms can occur in the first day or two after the birth. Or they can follow the symptoms of the baby blues after a couple of weeks.” (WebMD)

This is where my story starts. Three years ago I gave birth to a wonderful baby boy. For two years I felt overwhelmed, upset, disconnected from my family, and just down all the time. For the longest time I really thought it was because I was a mom to a newborn again after many years (at that time my oldest was 12 years old and my now middle child was 10) and I was much older than before. I was also desperately trying to breastfeed again. With my older two children no matter what I tried I couldn’t produce enough milk. I ended up using a supplemental nursing system so I could breastfeed and formula feed them. But this time around I wanted to breastfeed so badly and it killed me I couldn’t produce enough. I finally gave up after 5 months and just exclusively formula fed. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against formula in any way. My older two got it and millions of other babies do too. But have you ever been told you couldn’t do something and it made you want to do it even more? Well that is how I felt with breastfeeding. I tried so hard with two previous babies that I was so determined to breastfeed Liam. After many emotional meltdowns I finally gave up. Liam was almost 3 months old and I just didn’t have it in me anymore. I figured all of the emotions I had were from not being able to breastfeed. Then life got crazy again, and again, and again. So I always just thought what I was feeling was a side effect from what was going on in our life at that time. It wasn’t until early summer of 2014 that I wondered if I had post-partum depression. I even did a few Google searches on Post-Partum Depression two years after a child was born, but once again I pushed the thought aside because my son was almost 2 years old. How is it possible I would still be suffering from post-partum depression?

I was so embarrassed to even bring up the topic to my husband, my doctor, even a close friend. I LOVED my son so much but at times I just didn’t like him. Even as I type this it is hard to comprehend that I didn’t like a child, MY child. As much of a mommy’s boy my son is and always has been I didn’t feel like I had a connection with him. I went through the motions of being his mom and doing what I was supposed to do, but mentally I just wasn’t there like I wish I had. I really wish I had figured things out before then and didn’t just put it aside like it would go away. Maybe it was a side effect from being so ill while pregnant, hormones, or whatever but it doesn’t change the fact that mentally and emotionally I was not connected to my child like a mother should.

In the summer of 2014 we decided to have another baby. I don’t regret our decision in the least bit but looking back I probably should have taken care of myself first before getting pregnant. I have a bad habit of putting myself and my needs on the back burner. I am a caregiver at heart and feel everyone else’s needs are more important. Fast forward 9 months through another horrible pregnancy (got to love Hyperemesis Gravidarum and yes this will be a post at a later date) I finally gave birth to a baby girl in June 2015.

I knew almost immediately something was wrong. I didn’t feel happy to have a new baby. I was just going through the motions again and all I could think of was she was one more thing on my plate I had to deal with. The three days in the hospital were just slow and all I wanted to do was sleep and let her sleep. I would change her and feed her because I knew she needed to be cared for. I kissed her and hugged her and told her I love her because I knew that is what I was supposed to do, but I just wasn’t there. I felt so disconnected from that hospital room and my baby. I talked to my Midwife who said to come in to the office in two weeks if I was still feeling that way. I didn’t even make it a week. By the end of that first week I was a mess and just couldn’t cope. All I wanted to do was cry and I didn’t want to deal with anyone, child or adult. I just couldn’t cope with life. I like to joke now that I just couldn’t adult anymore but it isn’t that far off from the truth.

The Midwife gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant and a suggestion to get counseling. I have known for a while I needed to speak with a counselor just to handle everything I go through on a day to day basis, but I was honestly to embarrassed to even admit that anything was wrong. I also didn’t want to talk to family or friends because I didn’t want them to make a big deal out of it. At this point my husband knew something wasn’t right and we talked and he was a great support. But I kept everything inside and that could have made things worse.

I took the medication for about two weeks and felt great and slowly I stopped taking them. It wasn’t because I thought I was better and didn’t need them (at first) it was because I have a really bad habit of forgetting to take meds. One missed dose turned into two, and then three. I finally gave up and let the thought of being “better” rule my life. What I didn’t anticipate was going back down the rabbit hole I just got out of.

Life is CRAZY in my house. Really it is controlled and uncontrolled chaos most of the time. I live in my van it seems, going from one appointment to another, sports with the kids, and just random stuff. My house is falling apart (literally and figuratively), laundry wasn’t getting done, and I just felt overwhelmed. Once again I was making excuses about why I was feeling certain things. Why I just wanted to sleep (because I had a newborn and a two year old who doesn’t sleep), why the house was a mess (because I am so busy), why I wanted to cry all the time or had bursts of anger (because my house was a mess and I was feeling overwhelmed from that perceived lack of help). Now I can look back on all of this and know everything I was going through or at least what I was feeling was because I was depressed, but I couldn’t see it at that time.

I was so lucky to have already planned a trip to Florida with a great friend (who is such a Disney Addict) to visit the Food and Wine Festival at Disney World in October. I don’t think I could have asked for a better reprieve from life than what I got. We slept in, stayed out late, and enjoyed ONE alcoholic drink. I know, I know…. We were at the Food and WINE Festival and we only had one drink. Well I am not a big drinker really and just don’t like the taste of alcohol. But let me tell you what, the French know how to make a drink. I have no idea what it was but it was green, in the form of a frozen push up pop, and delicious. But holy heck they added a lot of alcohol.

 

The trip is what I needed right then but it was not a fix all for what I was going through or feeling at that time. My friend was awesome to let me talk about some of my deep dark thoughts but even then I felt so judged. But how could I not? I mean the thoughts I was having, the feelings I was having were just awful. I knew at that time I needed to get help. I needed to talk to someone and figure out what was wrong with me. Of course I got home and it was right before Halloween, then November, and then off to Christmas so I was once again super busy and making excuses. But I made myself a priority for once. I made an appointment for a complete physical and made sure to bring up what I was feeling. The doctor gave me a new prescription for med and set me up with an appointment for a therapist and sent me on my way (after drawing like 2 liters of blood for every type of test imaginable since it had been so long).

I made sure to take my meds EVERYDAY because I hated how I was feeling. I hated feeling so overwhelmed, down, and like nothing was worth doing. I hated feeling so tired all the time in spite of sleeping ok (you can only get so much sleep with a baby who wakes up a few times each night). I just hated life, not in a suicidal way but just how things were going. But what I hated the most was the feeling like I can’t tell anyone about what was going on. I didn’t feel like I could tell a friend I had Post-Partum Depression and I was having a bad day. I didn’t want the sympathy or the feeling like people needed to help me. Because honestly I didn’t think anyone could help me at that time. It wasn’t like someone coming to the house and doing laundry or the dishes was going to make ME better so why ask for the help. I also finally talked to a therapist about what was going on. We have only had one session (she was sick the second appointment and I was sick another) but I really have a feeling this will help me sort out what is going on in my head. My life and my family is crazy. We have so much going on and I pretty much oversee everything and that is a lot of stress and pressure on my plate. In general I love doing it. I love seeing my family happy but when I am feeling down it becomes hard to handle it all. I don’t want to be that way again. I want to be here for my family, physically, emotionally, and mentally present for everything. I have been on meds for a month now and I can say finally I feel good. I am not tired anymore, I don’t want to sleep, and I feel motivated to do things. I don’t want to stop my meds just yet but I know I will be ok and that this is just a bump in the road.

I mentioned above how I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was going through but it wasn’t just from embarrassment but because I didn’t want others to worry. I am sure this post will come as a surprise to many people because I still have not talked about it to many. When I was younger my Aunt Eileen had a baby girl; my cousin Sammy Jo. I was too young to know what was going on but I knew we would go to my Aunt’s house almost every day. I loved it, I loved playing with cousins in the neighborhood and just having fun but things changed and not for the better. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to my mother crying but I was so young (maybe 8 years old) I just went back to sleep. The next day we were pulled out of school early and told our Aunt had died. Many years later it came out that she lost her battle with Post-Partum Depression. That event set off a lot of hurt in my family that is still trying to mend so many years later. But I didn’t want to worry anyone. I didn’t want people to think I would lose my battle with Post-Partum Depression like my Aunt had. I feel for my Aunt and EVERY WOMAN who has lost the battle. The fight is so hard and even with support it can feel like a losing battle. This is one of the reasons why I chose to share my story. I didn’t want someone to feel they are alone and can’t get through this. It has taken me 7 months but I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This fight is worth fighting and worth winning for myself and my family.

www.1800ppdmoms.org is a great organization to help you. If you are feeling like you want to harm yourself or someone else please call the suicide prevention hotline at 1 (800) 273-8255 or visit their website www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I know things will be great from here on out. I know I will have set backs and that is ok. I know I have a great support network, even if I don’t reach out to them.

Bacon Ranch Chicken and Potatoes

I love shopping at Sam's Club because we have a large family and use a lot of stuff in general, but they also have great deals in general. During a sale a few months ago I stocked up on frozen boneless skinless chicken breasts.  Well being a sleep deprived mommy I ended up in Sam's Club a week later and stocked up on a few more bags. So now I am doing a lot of chicken dishes to open some room in my freezer for other things. I was running out of ideas on what to do with all of this chicken so I turned to Pinterest to get a few new ideas. I ran into a Bacon Wrapped Ranch Chicken recipe that sounded yummy but I don't like bacon wrapped things. So I thought I would just cut up the bacon and chicken and go from there. After cutting up the chicken I realized I needed to add something else to the baking dish and decided on potatoes.

After cutting up the chicken and potatoes I sprinkled on a package of Ranch Dressing mix.

While the chicken and potatoes were cooking I cut up the bacon and cooked that up on the stove top.

I made sure to drain the bacon because I didn't want to add all of that bacon grease to the dish.

Once the chicken and potatoes were cooked all the way I pulled it out and covered the top with Ranch dressing and cheese and topped with the bacon. I placed back in the oven to let the cheese melts. The end result was nothing short of AMAZING. The kids loved the dish (and really that is what matters when you are cooking for a large family), the husband loved the dish, and of course I did as well. I will be adding this to my line up this month.

The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep

While chatting with a friend from high school on Facebook about our children and how hard it is to get them to sleep at night another one of her friends mentioned a book to help get their child to sleep. The book is called The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep: A New Way of Getting Children to Sleep and it is written by a Swedish Psychologist (Carl-Johan Forssén Ehrlin). CBS News did a segment on this book and she gave it a try and has had great results. Here is the link to the video if you want to see it. 

With nothing to lose (but the $11) I went on Amazon and ordered it. Man, I love Prime because that book arrived the very next day. Seriously, if you don't have prime you should get it. I also suggest using Amazon Smile too. This way you can help out a non-profit organization of your choice while shopping.  

So this package was dropped off by UPS at 7pm and Liam was hyper as can be. Like bouncing off the walls hyper. I grabbed his little hand and took him to bed. We laid down and he was rolling all over the place. I was very doubtful that this book was going to put my son to sleep. I could see how it could work but really didn't think it would. You can clearly tell the book is using suggestive terms and is emphasized with how you are saying those works. At the beginning of the book it gives directions on how to read certain words. Bold words are to be emphasized while italicized words are to be said in a calm and slow tone. The book also tells you when to insert your child’s name into the story.  

After a while, they met the beautiful and wise Heavy-Eyed Owl again. Heavy-Eyed Owl told Roger the Rabbit, “I can see that you are tired, Liam, and that both of you are very close to falling asleep, now.”

Roger was very tired and slowly nodded his head, said yes, and felt how right Heavy-Eyed Owl was.  

I am well on my way to falling asleep now, you thought.

“Good night.” Said the wise Heavy-Eyed Owl. You are now shutting your eyes and yawning yourself to sleep. 

We are now half way thru the book and Liam is still acting wild (but rubbing his eyes). I realized I left the TV on with the sound of mute for light. So I flipped the TV on and turned on the bedside lamp. I really was hesitant about doing this because the light is a little bright and I wasn’t sure how this would help him go to sleep. I continued to read the book using soft and calm tones like the directions told me too. I was doing this all while Liam rolled on top of me and played with my hair.

Then something amazing started too happened. Liam started to settle down and rub his eyes more and more. At this point we were almost to the end and I really wished there were a few more pages because Liam was almost asleep. I think if we had turned the TV off at the beginning or at least earlier than we did he would have fallen asleep. I closed the book and gave him a kiss and walked upstairs to get him some water he asked for. By the time I got back down stairs he was out cold. I was amazed that a book could calm my crazy, wild child and actually encourage him to sleep.

This could have just been a fluke so I will continue to read the book each night to see if it continues to work. I will post an update at that time. If nothing else it will be a nice change up from the normal story of Winnie the Pooh or Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site.

Life Is Crazy with a Family of Six

Life has been crazy this last year. Many times I wanted to start a new “frugal” blog but just didn’t have it in me. Not because I wasn’t being frugal but because I just didn’t know how to write a blog on all the things I did to save money for my family. Life is crazy in a house of six people so I rather share our life’s ups and downs and all the stuff in between. I am sure you will learn some new tips and tricks on how to save money, get a few laughs, and probably shed a few tears (I hope not too many though). Because in a house with six people life can be crazy.

Not My Boobies: using donor breastmilk

When Layla was born I knew almost immediately I had no want to try and breastfeed. Don't get me wrong, I know the importance of breast milk but she is my 4th child and I tried and tried with the first three but couldn't produce enough to sustain life. If you would have told me eat dirt mixed with a magic powder and you will produce I would have done it in a heartbeat.

My oldest child lost so much weight (beyond the normal weight loss a newborn loses) he was almost diagnosed with failure to thrive at 6 weeks. I remember sitting in the lactation consultant's office everyday for hours at a time. We would weigh him before feeding and again after. We would weigh his wet diapers (or lack of). Finally she looked at me and said I needed to supplement.  I knew this was not something she took lightly but it was the best for the baby. She gave me this supplemental nursery system, it was a small vile connected to a tube. I was able to breastfeed and formula feed at the same time. I did this for an additional 3 months and finally gave up. When my daughter was born I went straight to the supplemental nursery system. I fed her this way for roughly six months and then gave up.

When my so third child was born I really wanted to breastfeed. I figured I was older, more responsible, and just able to cope with it all better. How wrong was I. I cried and cried because my son was screaming because he was hungry. My breasts were sore and nipples were scabbed over. It wasn't a pretty or soothing experience. There wasn't this bond I expected. It was just sadness. After three months I made the choice to bottle feed him. I hated that choice but again, it was what was needed for my son.

My fourth and final child was born and once again I said I would breastfeed her no matter what. But after being up for 24 hours giving birth to her I was exhausted and a sudden peace came over me when I realized I had nothing to prove to myself or anyone else. Formula is just fine. My older three kids thrived on it and did great. Why should I put myself through hell and back again when in the end I will end up bottle feeding. I looked at my husband and told him to feed her a bottle. He wasn't sure what to do and my midwife even tried asking me if I really was sure with that. But I was, I felt at peace with my choice and it was a calming feeling.

Almost right away formula feeding was difficult for her. she would spit up with every formula we tried. We tried the sensitive stuff, soy, the Gerber formula (the protein is partially broken down) but she would spit up to no end. We also had several scary episodes of choking and starting to turn blue. I knew something wasn't right but I listened to the nurse practitioner  (small town no pediatricians were available) when he said she would out grow it.

Now I regretted the decision to formula feed her. I knew breast milk was designed for human babies and she was not doing well on formula. I was so lucky a friend suggested using a donor for breast milk. I really wished I knew about breast milk donors before. Maybe I wouldn't have beaten myself up so much with my other babies. I used a group on Facebook called Human Milk 4 Human Babies and found a wonderful donor who had an excess of milk and just didn't have the room to store it anymore. Thank goodness I had an extra freezer or this endeavor wouldn't have worked.

As you can see my freezer was FULL. But it did not last long, maybe 3 months and I was back to meeting my wonderful donor who had more than enough to supply my baby girl and feed her son. But eventually her supply slowed and she did not have enough to send milk to our daughter. I was grateful to find another local mom who had a supply that was close to its freezer life. I picked up her stash and organized what little I had left from my previous donor and what she had by date, this way no milk went bad. 

At one point I was able to pay it forward and supply a new mom with a few bags of breast milk to feed her newborn while she desperately tried to get her supply to come in. It wasn't much but I know it meant the world to a new mom when her baby was so hungry and you couldn't fix it. 

I will forever be grateful to these ladies who not only fed their wonderful babies but supplied something I was unable to give my baby girl. We are still having issues with choking and spitting up but we are working with the nurse practitioner to resolve them. All I want is a happy and healthy baby. Sometimes formula works and sometimes it doesn't. I try not to get involved in breast is best debates because FOOD is best for babies. It doesn't matter if it comes in a can, boogie, or a bag. Feed your babies to the best of your abilities and know they will do just fine.