When Layla was born I knew almost immediately I had no want to try and breastfeed. Don't get me wrong, I know the importance of breast milk but she is my 4th child and I tried and tried with the first three but couldn't produce enough to sustain life. If you would have told me eat dirt mixed with a magic powder and you will produce I would have done it in a heartbeat.
My oldest child lost so much weight (beyond the normal weight loss a newborn loses) he was almost diagnosed with failure to thrive at 6 weeks. I remember sitting in the lactation consultant's office everyday for hours at a time. We would weigh him before feeding and again after. We would weigh his wet diapers (or lack of). Finally she looked at me and said I needed to supplement. I knew this was not something she took lightly but it was the best for the baby. She gave me this supplemental nursery system, it was a small vile connected to a tube. I was able to breastfeed and formula feed at the same time. I did this for an additional 3 months and finally gave up. When my daughter was born I went straight to the supplemental nursery system. I fed her this way for roughly six months and then gave up.
When my so third child was born I really wanted to breastfeed. I figured I was older, more responsible, and just able to cope with it all better. How wrong was I. I cried and cried because my son was screaming because he was hungry. My breasts were sore and nipples were scabbed over. It wasn't a pretty or soothing experience. There wasn't this bond I expected. It was just sadness. After three months I made the choice to bottle feed him. I hated that choice but again, it was what was needed for my son.
My fourth and final child was born and once again I said I would breastfeed her no matter what. But after being up for 24 hours giving birth to her I was exhausted and a sudden peace came over me when I realized I had nothing to prove to myself or anyone else. Formula is just fine. My older three kids thrived on it and did great. Why should I put myself through hell and back again when in the end I will end up bottle feeding. I looked at my husband and told him to feed her a bottle. He wasn't sure what to do and my midwife even tried asking me if I really was sure with that. But I was, I felt at peace with my choice and it was a calming feeling.
Almost right away formula feeding was difficult for her. she would spit up with every formula we tried. We tried the sensitive stuff, soy, the Gerber formula (the protein is partially broken down) but she would spit up to no end. We also had several scary episodes of choking and starting to turn blue. I knew something wasn't right but I listened to the nurse practitioner (small town no pediatricians were available) when he said she would out grow it.
Now I regretted the decision to formula feed her. I knew breast milk was designed for human babies and she was not doing well on formula. I was so lucky a friend suggested using a donor for breast milk. I really wished I knew about breast milk donors before. Maybe I wouldn't have beaten myself up so much with my other babies. I used a group on Facebook called Human Milk 4 Human Babies and found a wonderful donor who had an excess of milk and just didn't have the room to store it anymore. Thank goodness I had an extra freezer or this endeavor wouldn't have worked.
As you can see my freezer was FULL. But it did not last long, maybe 3 months and I was back to meeting my wonderful donor who had more than enough to supply my baby girl and feed her son. But eventually her supply slowed and she did not have enough to send milk to our daughter. I was grateful to find another local mom who had a supply that was close to its freezer life. I picked up her stash and organized what little I had left from my previous donor and what she had by date, this way no milk went bad.
My oldest child lost so much weight (beyond the normal weight loss a newborn loses) he was almost diagnosed with failure to thrive at 6 weeks. I remember sitting in the lactation consultant's office everyday for hours at a time. We would weigh him before feeding and again after. We would weigh his wet diapers (or lack of). Finally she looked at me and said I needed to supplement. I knew this was not something she took lightly but it was the best for the baby. She gave me this supplemental nursery system, it was a small vile connected to a tube. I was able to breastfeed and formula feed at the same time. I did this for an additional 3 months and finally gave up. When my daughter was born I went straight to the supplemental nursery system. I fed her this way for roughly six months and then gave up.
When my so third child was born I really wanted to breastfeed. I figured I was older, more responsible, and just able to cope with it all better. How wrong was I. I cried and cried because my son was screaming because he was hungry. My breasts were sore and nipples were scabbed over. It wasn't a pretty or soothing experience. There wasn't this bond I expected. It was just sadness. After three months I made the choice to bottle feed him. I hated that choice but again, it was what was needed for my son.
My fourth and final child was born and once again I said I would breastfeed her no matter what. But after being up for 24 hours giving birth to her I was exhausted and a sudden peace came over me when I realized I had nothing to prove to myself or anyone else. Formula is just fine. My older three kids thrived on it and did great. Why should I put myself through hell and back again when in the end I will end up bottle feeding. I looked at my husband and told him to feed her a bottle. He wasn't sure what to do and my midwife even tried asking me if I really was sure with that. But I was, I felt at peace with my choice and it was a calming feeling.
Almost right away formula feeding was difficult for her. she would spit up with every formula we tried. We tried the sensitive stuff, soy, the Gerber formula (the protein is partially broken down) but she would spit up to no end. We also had several scary episodes of choking and starting to turn blue. I knew something wasn't right but I listened to the nurse practitioner (small town no pediatricians were available) when he said she would out grow it.
Now I regretted the decision to formula feed her. I knew breast milk was designed for human babies and she was not doing well on formula. I was so lucky a friend suggested using a donor for breast milk. I really wished I knew about breast milk donors before. Maybe I wouldn't have beaten myself up so much with my other babies. I used a group on Facebook called Human Milk 4 Human Babies and found a wonderful donor who had an excess of milk and just didn't have the room to store it anymore. Thank goodness I had an extra freezer or this endeavor wouldn't have worked.
At one point I was able to pay it forward and supply a new mom with a few bags of breast milk to feed her newborn while she desperately tried to get her supply to come in. It wasn't much but I know it meant the world to a new mom when her baby was so hungry and you couldn't fix it.
I will forever be grateful to these ladies who not only fed their wonderful babies but supplied something I was unable to give my baby girl. We are still having issues with choking and spitting up but we are working with the nurse practitioner to resolve them. All I want is a happy and healthy baby. Sometimes formula works and sometimes it doesn't. I try not to get involved in breast is best debates because FOOD is best for babies. It doesn't matter if it comes in a can, boogie, or a bag. Feed your babies to the best of your abilities and know they will do just fine.
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